


Chef, You've Been Chopped

by GodSaveTheKings



Category: Chopped (US)
Genre: Chopped (TV Show), Gallows Humor, Horror, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2019-11-03
Packaged: 2021-01-21 08:29:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21296519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GodSaveTheKings/pseuds/GodSaveTheKings
Summary: In the most exciting culinary competition on television, four chefs battle it out to determine who will become the Chopped Champion and win the 10,000 dollar prize.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 7





	Chef, You've Been Chopped

**Author's Note:**

> Why... why are you reading this? How did you find this?
> 
> How?

"Timothy, it's time for you to make your wish," the nurse said softly. Timothy breathed weakly, his ten-year-old lungs unable to hold their own shape. His arms lied motionless by his side in the hospital bed, and he only had the strength to move his eyes to the box television set hanging in the upper corner of the room. The Food Network was on; his favorite channel in the whole wide world. As he witnessed the judges' faces as they partook in the most wonderous meals in history, he could practically smell the potent garlic and taste the fresh herbs, and a dull smile crept on his face as he finally realized what he wanted more than anything else in his increasingly short life.

"Nurse," he wheezed, "I want to be on _Chopped_."

* * *

Lights. Camera. Action. A camera zoomed in on the face of a beady man with short brown hair and thick-rimmed glasses, a determined yet confidant look in his eye. A name card appeared before him: Ted Allen. "Whose dish will be on the chopping block?" A montage of ferocious cooking followed, and Ted Allen followed the script he had familiarized himself with over the course of ten years. "Four chefs. Three courses. Only one chance to win. The challenge: create an unforgettable meal from the mystery items hidden in these baskets… before time runs out. Our distinguished panel of chefs will critique their work, and one-by-one, they must face the dreaded Chopping Block™. Who will win the $10,000 prize, and who… will be _Chopped_?"

Wide camera pan. Ted Allen stood tall, his hands clasped before his waist. "Now, let's meet our four contestants. First, from Gainesville, Georgia, Chef Monty Darwin." A large, balding man with coffee-colored skin strode out from the back and flashed a thumbs up towards the camera.

"Hey, my name is Chef Monty Darwin, and I run the restaurant _Phoebe's. _I specialize in cooking southern comfort food. Ever since I was little, my mom taught me how to cook, and if I win the $10,000, I'm going to spend it all giving my mom the Bahamas vacation she deserves. Look out chefs, because there's no way I'm getting _Chopped_ today."

Next, as Chef Monty took his station, a petite, middle-aged blonde woman from Los Angeles came from backstage and beamed proudly.

"My name is Connie Claire, and I am the sole operator and owner of a catering service called _L'Tongue_. We specialize in serving eloquent, savory French dishes, and we have all sorts of celebrity clientele from Topher Grace to Angelina Jolie. If I win, I'm going to use the money to expand my business all across California. I think the other chefs are going to underestimate a strong, single, talented woman like myself, and that's my ticket to winning today's competition."

Following her from backstage came an older man, loose strands of hair flying from the sides of his bumpy head, and a bushy brown mustache twitching under his nose.

"I'm Mel Bobson, owner of _Bobson's Shack of Bobson_. I make seafood. I make landfood. I make good food. If I get the ten grand, I'll spend it on my grandkids."

Lastly, a scraggily, heavy-set woman with a long, tangled mess of black hair came jogging out, waving excitedly to her family through the camera lens.

"I'm Julie Greene, and I'm the sous chef of a New York eatery called _Riptide_. I'm primarily used to making classic American, but I'm really looking forward to showing my three kids at home that Momma can cook just as well as anyone else. Winning the $10,000 would mean so much to me, and I would be able to put that money towards my children's' college funds."

With the four chefs standing at their cooking stations, the production assistants placed the large baskets in front of them, their dark wicker hiding strange and dangerous substances within. The camera panned back to Ted Allen, who looked on with pride, thirsty for the upcoming battle. "Chefs, you will be participating in three rounds: appetizer, entrée, and dessert. For each dish, you must utilize the ingredients found in those mystery baskets. Please, chefs, it's time… to open your baskets."

The chefs took deep breaths, and at the instruction of the camera crew, opened up the lids of their baskets, pulling out the ingredients from within. "And chefs, for the appetizer, you will have to include… rainbow chard… pine nuts… gummy bears… and—"

Chef Julie screamed in terror and backed away from her basket. Chef Connie's face turned white, and Chef Monty looked inside the basket, confused. Only Chef Mel, with a casual shrug, had the courage to pull out the last secret ingredient: a fully intact human hand and forearm.

"A severed human limb!" Ted Allen said with a cocky smirk. Chef Monty nervously pulled out the human leg from his basket and stared lifelessly at it. "Uh…"

"Chefs, you have twenty minutes on the clock," Ted continued casually.

"Wait, hold up?" Chef Julie gasped. "Are you… are you serious, right now? Like, is this a joke or—"

"Time starts now," Ted decreed, and without a moment to waste, Chef Mel rushed towards the pantry to fetch his other ingredients. Chef Monty hesitated for a moment, and then rushed to Chef Mel's side., snatching as many vegetables as he could gather in his arms. Chef Connie calmly grabbed her knife, letting her many years of self-teaching take over, and Chef Julie immediately left her station to find the nearest producer.

"So, I've never worked with human or rainbow chard before," Chef Monty began as he chopped his vegetables. "So, I'm going to try to keep it simple. I'm going to slice off a section of the forearm and grill it to try to crisp up that skin, and then I'm also going to roast the chard with a vinaigrette made from the pine nuts and some of that fruity extract from the gummy bears. Hopefully, time will be on my side."

Chef Connie, on the other hand, delicately removed the thigh meat from the skin, and ground her pine nuts in the blender. "In my line of work, you hear about these sorts of exotic meats all the time, though I've never tried it myself," she explained. "So, I'm going to coat it in the pine nuts and pan fry it with a rainbow chard salad. I don't know what I'll do with the gummy bears yet, but I have plenty of time to figure it out."

Chef Mel shook his head, marinating his protein in a teriyaki glaze. "Of course, I've made human before. Tender, beautiful meat. You have to bring out the youthful flavor. Mmmm… the youthful flavor."

Chef Julie refused to be interviewed. "Are you f***ing kidding me? Seriously, are you f***ing kidding me? Is this a g*ddamn joke thinking I would ever cook a f***ing child? Who thought anyone would actually agree to this f***ing b***sh*t? What? No, I'm _not _giving you permission to put my face on television."

Camera cut back to Ted Allen, standing by the judges' table. "Tonight, the chefs will be critiqued by our panel of three judges. Introducing first, owner of _Beauty and Essex_, Chris Santos. Next, she is a worldwide sensation and former Iron Chef competitor, Maneet Chauhan. And lastly, the king of modern Italian cuisine, Scott Conant. Now judges, today, the chefs are working with a very difficult flavor combination of both rainbow chard _and _gummy bears. How do you think they'll be able to balance those two contrasting flavors?"

"You know, it's what we say every time: it's all about technique," explained Chris Santos. "Rainbow chard can be very bitter if not cooked properly."

"Thankfully, they are working with human child meat, which is a _very _versatile protein," Maneet Chauhan nodded. "You can fry it, you can grill it, you can marinate it—"

"But I'm not liking what Chef Monty is doing," stated Scott Conant worriedly. "That skin is way too thick, and it's not going to get crispy like he wants it. Plus, there's a huge risk of undercooking it, and as we all know, that's hugely problematic."

"Of course," Ted Allen said proudly to the camera, "we have to give a big thanks to young Timothy Callahan and the Make-A-Wish Foundation, for donating these secret ingredients for today's exciting battle. Make-a-Wish always strives to ensure that children's dreams come true."

"All the more reason to make sure these appetizers are the best they can be," noted Chris Santos.

The twenty minutes flew by like lightning. The _Chopped_ studio was filled was smoke and savory scents, and by time's end, twelve full plates of delicious food were ready to be judged and consumed, with three tired chefs standing over them, high fiving each other for completing a difficult task. In a line, they walked to the judges' table. They stood side-by-side, hands behind their backs when a producer suddenly shoved a resistant Chef Julie into place beside them.

"Hey, you're going to hear from my lawyers, you sons of—"

"Now, chefs, for the appetizer round," Ted Allen interrupted her, "you had twenty minutes to make an exciting meal out of rainbow chard, pine nuts, gummy bears, and a whole human limb. Chef Monty, what do you have for us today?"

"Well, judges," Chef Monty stammered nervously, "Today, I've prepared for you a Grilled Forearm with a pine nut and gummy bear glaze over roasted chard." The judges dug eagerly into their plates and nodded with encouragement.

"I have to say, Chef Monty, I am really impressed with this nutty fruit glaze," said Maneet Chauhan said delightedly. "I can taste both the nuts and gummy bears, and it does a really good job of negating some of that bitterness from the chard, which itself is beautifully roasted."

"Unfortunately, there are some significant problems with the cook on your protein," said Scott Conant, jabbing the meat with his fork and holding it up to examine it. "As you can see, the skin didn't really get crisp because it's too thick to grill, and that leads to a second problem, which is that your forearm is way undercooked—almost raw. Do you have any idea how dangerous that is to plate something like that?"

"I'm sorry, sir," Chef Monty said glumly. "I've never cooked with a human child before, and I didn't know."

"You didn't know? Well, you better know," Scott Conant scolded. "One of the worst things you can ever do on this show, especially when cooking child for them, is to serve a judge raw leukemia meat. That's a _big_ no-no, Chef."

"Well, moving onto Chef Connie," said Ted Allen as the judges' plates were swapped out. "Tell us what you've made for us today, Chef?"

"Well, judges, today I made a pan-fried human thigh with pine-nut coating and a rainbow chard said with fresh lemon and berry cream sauce."

The judges dug into their intoxicating plate, and almost instantly Chris Santos spoke up. "This salad is actually quite wonderful, and I have to say that your thigh is cooked perfectly. I just have one question: where are the gummy bears in this dish?"

Chef Connie cast away her gaze and sighed. "Unfortunately, I ran out of time to incorporate them into the dish." Suddenly, a heaviness filled the _Chopped_ studio, and Ted Allen's face grew dim.

"Chef Connie," he stated grimly, "as you are aware, you must utilize _all _of the secret ingredients in your dish for each round. That blunder is going to cost you a lot going forward."

"I'm well aware, Ted," Chef Connie mumbled. "I just got tripped up on the protein."

"We can all make excuses, Chef," Scott Conant chastised her, "but at the end of the day, you have to be professional about this."

"I agree," said Ted Allen. "Next up is Chef Mel. Tell us what you have for us, Chef?"

Chef Mel rubbed his mustache and spoke with a hoarse fervor. "Today, I made a gummy-bear reduction with herb-roasted rainbow chard, spring onions mixed with a horseradish glaze, and an oven-roasted human and pine nut topping."

The judges sniffed the delicate flavors, and with swift motions, slurped up the dish, humming sweetly to themselves as they did.

"Chef Mel, this is a wonderful dish," Maneet Chauhan said with a smile. Chef Mel blushed. "The flavor combinations work so well here, and yet you can feel each secret ingredient stand out in its own way."

"And I have to say, the cook on this leg is the best so far. Have you worked with the other red meat before?" asked Chris Santos.

"Many times," Chef Mel said sufficiently.

"Well, your expertise shows through," Chris Santos laughed.

"Honestly, Chef, you took a lot of risks with the gummy bears, but it's all worked out really well," said Scott Conant. "If I had to criticize one thing, I'd say that maybe the chard is a bit too salty, but all-in-all, you did a really good job for this appetizer."

"Thank you, judges," Chef Mel said pleasantly. The cleaned plates were removed, and replaced with empty silverware, which the judges stared at distastefully. Ted Allen scowled.

"Chef, Julie… what happened?" he asked, disappointed but never angry.

"What happened? What the flying f*ck do you assh***s _think_ happened?" Chef Julie panted. "Have you all lost your minds? I'm a mother of three, and you honestly expect me to cook and serve a terminally ill child for dinner?"

"Well, one, it's an _appetizer_, Chef Julie," Scott Conant countered, "and two, Chef Mel has kids and he seemed to manage just fine, so I think the fault lies on your end."

"Okay, is no one seriously paying attention to the fact that this dude literally said he's cooked humans _multiple _times? Like, does that not raise any eyebrows around here? Aren't there any police officers or lawyers or judges around here that can do something about this dude saying he's a f***ing cannibal?"

"_We're_ judges, Chef Julie," Scott Cantos said smugly.

"That's obviously not what I mean!" Chef Julie shouted. "Ted Allen, how could you go along with this crazy sh*t? I loved you in _Queer Eye_. You helped so many straight guys. And now you're eating kids without even questioning it?"

"Hey, I'm making a child's dream come true. If you have a problem with the Make-A-Wish Foundation, you should go talk to them."

"Look, Chef Julie, the fact is that twenty minutes have gone by, and you have nothing to show for it," said Scott Conant snidely. "Zip. Zero. Nada. Nothing. Frankly, I don't know how you think you could make it to the next round."

"Well, chefs," Ted Allen concluded, "it's time for you to head to the back and let the judges discuss whose dish will be on the Chopping Block™."

Knowing they performed to the best of their ability, the chefs headed to the back, where they would solemnly await their judgments. Chef Julie, however, had to be led to the back, protesting and screaming all the way. The judging period felt like an eternity to them, and each of them took the time to reflect on their own failings.

"I can't believe I undercooked the forearm," Chef Monty muttered distastefully. "What an amateur mistake."

"We've all made it before," Chef Mel said with a nod.

"They really liked your dish, Mel. Great job," said Chef Connie.

"It's nothing any southerner couldn't prepare," he said humbly.

Chef Julie stared off into the void, contemplating the meaninglessness of the universe.

At the producer's call, the four chefs returned to the kitchen, where the judges waited with one of their dishes covered beneath a dome of glistening silver. They each stared at the hidden meal anxiously, as Ted Allen griped the lid tightly.

"Whose dish is on the Chopping Block™?" he asked sternly, and with one fluid motion, he ripped off the silver lid… just in time for a scheduled commercial break.

* * *

_Guy Fieri appears on the screen, his bleached, spiky hair protruding in all directions. In one hand he grips a burger, fluids leaking over his grubby fingertips. He wears a button-up shirt that he fails to fully button—he wants to be accepted as a modern man, a professional, but his crude spirit cannot help but rebel against society. His face is covered with blood-red barbeque sauce, and his mouth chews the processed anguish of a thousand dead bovines, whose lives ended with the same cruelty that beset them for all existence. Though his mouth is full, he leans in and mugs for the camera, saliva and slop dribbling from his thin lips and washed-out goatee. His voice is that of a banshee's scream._

"_Now this is what I call a radical burger."_

_A flash cut to his vehicle, a red convertible driving on the empty freeway; the purified image of a luxury capitalist trampling over the paved-over tombs of a million natives. The sun beats down on his forehead, but he has consumed so much heat that the natural biological processes which control his sweat glands abandon him. Flash cuts to food being prepared on grills and stovetops, unholy abominations of foreign meets and artificial cheeses being consumed without hesitation by the obese, the sick and the dying ilk of the ending American generations. He narrates the footage, the excitement giving way to eternal torment._

"_Come join me as I discover which restaurants are serving up the best local cuisine in America."_

_He appears on the screen once more, next to a three-tiered sign, and he smiles at the camera, unsure of himself or his place in reality. He pretends to spin the sign, and like all in the fictional world he creates in his nightmares, it spins on its own, uncontrollable thoughts twisting in the cold winter wind. The bastard laughs, but at what? The suffering of the unborn? The reality of his own sin? In his world, all are broken. In Flavortown, all are damned._

_Diners._

_Drive-Ins._

_Dives._

_New Episodes Tuesday at 8/7c only on Food Network._

* * *

Cut back to the ChoppingBlock™. Ted Allen looks at the chefs, and the look back at him, nervously anticipating the moment of release. Finally, he pulls back the lid and reveals the dish underneath: a lovely rainbow chard salad with an undercooked human forearm. Chef Connie breathed a sigh of relief, while Chef Monty nodded glumly. Chef Julie simply stared at the judges, stunned.

"Chef Monty," Ted Allen stated, "you've been _Chopped_. Judges?"

"Chef Monty, you're rainbow chard salad was to die for," Scott Conant claimed. "However, even as some chefs were unable to utilize all of their ingredients, none made the near-fatal mistake of serving us raw child meat. And for that reason, we've had to _Chop_ you."

"Thank you for the opportunity, judges," Chef Monty said tearfully. "Good luck to the rest of the chefs tonight." With that message of appreciation, Chef Monty exited the _Chopped _kitchen, tears in his eyes, and explained to the crew how grateful he was to get to cook for such wonderful judges. Meanwhile, back inside, the other three chefs took their stations, their new mystery baskets ready in front of them. Chef Connie prepared to redeem herself for her failure to use all ingredients. Chef Mel readied to master another round of cooking. Chef Julie questioned why she was still going along with any of this but was at least glad that it couldn't get any worse.

At the call, the three chefs opened their baskets and pulled out only three ingredients from within. "And chefs, for your entrée round," said Ted Allen, "you'll have to cook with… granny smith apples… pule cheese… canned anchovies, and…"

Without warning, the door to the kitchen burst open, and a production assistant rolled in a trolley cart with the final ingredient resting on top. She parked it in front of the chefs, and from atop the trolley, a bloody Timothy smiled at them, armless and legless and full of leukemia.

"Any organ you can take!" he said gleefully, finally getting to live out his dream. The three chefs stared at the limbless boy for a moment, and then Chef Mel grabbed his knife. "Well, what are you waiting for? You have thirty minutes on the clock. Time starts now."


End file.
